We secretly love the situations we say we hate

There's a team of writers and producers working overtime to put us into shit situations, but once we realize who they are, we can start to change the story.

I remember when I first watched The Truman Show. I thought—yes, that’s it. I’m the star of a TV show where unseen writers and producers are conspiring to create extreme conditions to keep the audience hooked.

It’s actually the only thing that explains how fucking weird my life is.

When I’m out at dinner, I sometimes imagine a white van parked around the corner with a full production crew inside, desperately trying to write the perfect lines so they can whisper them into my friend’s hidden earbud.

Our best friends have the best lines. The lines that make us feel like they know us better than anyone. This dialogue is sometimes hard to hear. But it’s essential so the plot can move forward.¹ After all, who would watch a show where the main character just sits around doing nothing and not growing and not learning?

Fucking no one.

The audience wants drama. But they want real drama. Drama that they can relate to. And I’ve been fortunate enough to have an awesome staff of writers and producers scripting what has amounted to be—so far—a pretty remarkable life. Authentic and believable drama that has inspired some life-changing growth. Insane, fall-to-the-floor levels of laughter that has forged friendships 20+ years deep.

And.

There are times when I feel like the writers and producers get real sloppy and lean too much on cliché:

• Introducing new characters only to write them out prematurely.

• Entire episodes based around simple misunderstandings.

• Killing off characters for shock value.²

• Recycled plots.

• Forced plots.

Forced plots are sometimes fun. Last week, I privately journaled about wanting to go to a water park, and then oh-so-conveniently at lunch the literal next day my friend is like, “I really want to go to a water park.” Sloppy, but fun. It’s what my friend Chris might call “a synchronicity,” what California folks call “a sign from the universe,” and what my grandmother called, “well, God works in mysterious ways.” That was before she refused the COVID vaccine and then later died from COVID.

Mysterious, indeed.

So yes, I do actually believe I am the star of my own show.

And yes, I do actually believe there are writers and producers conspiring to create extreme conditions to keep the audience hooked.

But I realized something recently—a realization that was all at once supremely depressing, retroactively obvious, and ironically hilarious:

The writers and producers aren’t in a van around the corner.

They’re me.

I’m the star.

I’m also the writers.

I’m also the producers.

I’m even the fucking audience.

The show is coming from inside the house.

This is right on the borderline of cute and horrifying. Like, imagine if you woke up and this was at the end of your bed. Nope. None for me thanks.

Every single storyline in our lives is entirely orchestrated by us, including—and most importantly—even the storylines we say we don’t want in our lives. In his MasterClass, RuPaul talks about how his baseline level of stress and anxiety was always at max, because he was constantly rushing around from appointment to appointment, chronically late to everything:

"Years ago, I used to be late to things, to places. Even though I had so much time starting out, I procrastinated and ended up being late. What I realized about that was that I got a payoff from being late. The payoff was the adrenaline rush I got when I was rushing to get there. I'd be like, 'Oh my goodness, oh shoot, I got to get there, I got to get there!' [But] when I was willing to let go of that adrenaline rush, I was able to arrive early, and I was never late again. When I was willing to let go of that payoff, my life changed. Now, I'll arrive 15 minutes early and say, 'Now what? What's good? 15 minutes early, bitch.'"

RuPaul’s mental production team (habits + identity + ego) thought it was a far more interesting show to have their star rushing around all the time. Sure it was stressful, but it was a lot more exciting for the audience.

Even though the audience was himself.

You might think of this as reverse manifestation.

Or you might think of this as self-sabotage.

However you think of it, this shit is real. And it’s powerful. As author Jerry Colonna says in his fantastic book Reboot, we need to pause and ask ourselves, “How am I contributing to the conditions I say I don't want to be a part of?”

One more time because this quote is pretty fucking profound:

How am I contributing to the conditions I say I don't want to be a part of?

Our writers are constantly putting us in situations that we say we hate. But the truth is, we secretly love them. We love moments of high school drama and financial instability and toxic relationships and workplace conflicts and overcommitment and neglecting our health.

Not me!

Yes. Actually yes, you.

And me.

And RuPaul.

RuPaul was rushing around to get an adrenaline rush, which confirmed who he saw himself to be: someone who is busy. From there, it justifies being late. It justifies being stressed. Lateness and stress come along with the “I’m busy” identity package.³

We love getting our identities reaffirmed. My identity package contains beliefs that I’m smart, introspective, and funny. But it also contains beliefs that say

• I’m able to take on more than most people

• I’m the only person that can get it done the “right” way

• I’m great at fixing other people’s problems

• I’m someone others can always rely on—always

The writers in our mind understand that we have to protect who we believe ourselves to be. So they write scripts that put us into situations that reaffirm our identity. We love that more than we hate being in those situations. So we allow it to happen. We may say we don’t want to be in a bathroom at a party, talking about all the bullshit drama that’s going on in our friend group until 2am.

And.

• THANK GOD I’M HERE TO SAVE THE DAY!

• Woof, what would these people do without me?

• They’re lucky I’m here!

• While I may not like it, SOMEONE’S got to step up and offer their “years of wisdom” and “brilliant insights” and fix this mess.

And later we drive home feeling validated because we. were. needed.

Once we understand that we’re not only the star, but also the studio and even the goddamn audience, we end up yielding a LOT more power. We need to start asking ourselves what types of stories do we actually want to watch? What supporting characters will support us? What subplots will push us into and through discomfort into genuine growth?

Or, we can just watch a rerun.

1. What a gift it actually is to have people in our lives to tell us hard truths. Remember this anytime you get upset or offended when someone has the courage to tell you what they really think.

2. More often than not “dead characters” in my show manifests as characters suddenly moving “back home” or “to Connecticut.”

3. Unfortunately this package is on Spirit Airlines so it doesn’t come with a carry-on.