On the importance of conducting Controlled Emotional Burns
We should handle conflict in a controllable way so the conflict doesn’t uncontrollably handle us.
It's 5:35am on July 13, 2022 at Yosemite National Park. The wind is steady at just under 5 miles per hour. Humidity is at 45%. The sun, just beginning to peak above the horizon, reaches its golden arms across the forest landscape. A gentle breeze whips through the trees.
What a beautiful day to set it on fire.
"We will have fires. There's nothing we can do to keep that from happening."
- Zeke Lunder, pyrogeographer
It's been known for centuries that intentionally lighting fires is a healthy practice for an environment. It’s called a controlled burn,1 and it mimics the natural occurrence of small fires in the wild (usually caused by lightning).
By allowing smaller, manageable fires to burn under controlled conditions, a host of benefits occur:
Deadwood and undergrowth build-up is cleared, reducing the risk of uncontrollable wildfires.
Plants less adapted to fire are removed, leaving behind species that are more resilient to future fires.
The leftover ash acts as a natural fertilizer, releasing essential nutrients back into the soil.
New plant growth enhances biodiversity and ensures a natural balance in the ecosystem.
Insect infestations and invasive plant species are controlled, restoring native vegetation.
Basically, controlled burns are fucking essential.
There's something I've noticed in my life: Humans treat their relationships like unmanaged forests that are one tiny spark away from an devastating emotional wildfire.
emo·tion·al wild·fire [ ih-’moh-shuh-nl ‘wahyld-fahyuhr ]
noun
an intense and rapidly spreading outburst or conflict, often happening suddenly and unexpectedly due to unresolved issues or feelings
John’s wife was so angry that she exploded into an emotional wildfire last night, which lead to her to push him down the stairs. She’s claiming that it was an accidental fall. The investigation is still ongoing.
We experience emotional wildfires all the time. In the workplace. At family gatherings. In our romantic relationships. With kids.2 At a dinner with friends.
All it takes is one off-handed, passive aggressive comment by Sam at Mitch's wedding to spark an emotional wildfire guaranteed to ruin your night and the night of everyone around you. Wildfires gonna wildfire. And now, instead of shouting PLAY DUA LIPA to the DJ for the 6th time, you're sitting at your table pushing unseasoned chicken around your plate seething to your partner, "Sam’s such a fucking asshole.”
Your night's ruined. Your partner is getting sucked into the conflict. And now two other family members from out of town—who don't even know you—also heard what you said. You're now deciding between making a retaliatory scene at the wedding OR sending Sam a text message unloading months of evidence-backed examples about how he'll “never find true love because of how much of an asshole you are.”
Fucking yikes.
How do emotional wildfires start?
Let's rewind to six months ago when Sam made the first of several passive aggressive comments about the state of your friendship. You were at dinner with several other friends and the comment was just under the radar enough to be “not about anyone specifically.” But you know what you heard. And you know what it meant. And it wasn't great. Should you bring it up? Ugh. You know what? It was probably just a miscommunication.
Right?
In communication philosophy there's the concept of "most generous interpretation" AKA the "principle of clarity," which states that we should assume positive intent in regards to someone else's words or actions, specifically when we're on the receiving end of ambiguity.
Easy in the lab, hard in the field.
There's definitely a time and place for choosing your battles. But we have to be careful that when we let something go, we're actually letting it go. That it's actually resolved deep within your soul. Because if it's not, Sam's somewhat slight, maybe unintentional, and likely targeted comment that you “let go” becomes the deadwood in your friendship forest. Time will march on and insects will march in. Leaves will pile and undergrowth will build.
And so will resentment.
The solution to prevent an emotional wildfire is a concept I call the Controlled Emotional Burn.
con·trolled emo·tion·al burn [ kuhn-’trohld ih-’moh-shuh-nl ‘burn ]
noun
an intentional and empathetic conversation with someone with whom you have an ongoing (or potential) conflict with, done to prevent the escalation of unresolved issues or emotions
an intentional emotional catharsis or introspection, done to achieve clarity on inner and outer conflicts and foster personal growth
I knew I was going to see Sam at the wedding, so I did a controlled emotional burn with him over Zoom. Turns out we both needed it. Now when we're at the wedding, we can just focus on screaming at the DJ to PLAY DUA LIPA.
I opened my therapy session with a controlled emotional burn about my wife. I know I'll be a lot more understanding in our conversations now that I have cleared out a lot of the unwarranted resentment I was holding on to.
Controlled emotional burns can manifest in many ways, but most frequently it involves you having a difficult conversation with someone before the unresolved issue catches a spark and burns wildly out of control.
If your partner is constantly leaving dirty dishes around, say something now, not later. Work towards a solution using proven techniques.
Instead of waiting for an annual review, provide regular feedback to your team members (and/or ask for it from your managers).
If your father-in-law brings up politics every Thanksgiving and it pulls the entire family into a black hole of despair, have a conversation ahead of time and establish clear expectations. “Hey Dennis, if politics come up at Thanksgiving, we’re going to politely excuse ourselves from the room, or the house if needed.”3 And enforce your boundaries.
Otherwise, you risk adding these tiny resentments to your arsenal of grievances that you’ll unload unhelpfully in an wildfire argument that’s too large to contain.
An argument where more permanent damage can occur.
Note that while a controlled emotional burn involves a confrontation, it doesn't mean it's necessarily with another person. It can also be an internal process. Meditation, therapy, and journaling are fantastic forests in which to do this work.
Regardless, the key word here is "controlled." And controlled means intentional. It means waiting for or creating the ideal conditions. Sometimes you're upwind or you're standing on low ground, which is perfect if you want smoke blowing in your face and a fire spreading chaotically. Meaning: corning someone in the bathroom while you’re out a dinner with friends isn’t ideal. Plan ahead. Let them know you want to have a safe conversation to clear the air about an unresolved situation, and pick a time and place that works for both of you.
By allowing smaller, manageable conflicts to emerge under controlled conditions, a host of benefits occur:
Unresolved issues and misunderstandings are confronted, reducing the risk of larger emotional conflicts and the building up of resentment—a deadly relationship poison.
Behaviors and patterns that don't serve you are clarified, leading to relationships that are more resilient and healthy over the long term.
Safe and honest conversations act as a catalyst for growth, releasing essential insights and understanding into your relationships.
Expressing your feelings—and allowing others to do the same—ensures a more fair and balanced dynamic in your relationships.
Persistent negative feelings or attitudes are kept under control, particularly those that threaten the health of relationships in general. As you start to recognize and eliminate toxic patterns that you or others maintain, you're more likely to recognize and reject these patterns in other areas of your life.
I was in couple's therapy a few years ago and my partner said, "Jesse is really confrontational." Our therapist responded predictably, “And how does that make you feel?"
"Really uncomfortable. I hate arguing," he said.
"I see. Sounds like you don't have many examples of conflict leading to a positive outcome."4
Fucking yikes.
We see fire and immediately assume danger. As kids, we’re trained this way. We see conflict and we immediately assume suffering. As kids… we’re trained this way. But something I've noticed is that the conflicts we're actually suffering through are more often the wildfires, not the controlled burns.
A controlled emotional burn is often awkward, but it’s also essential. With it, we can handle conflict in a controllable way so the conflict doesn’t uncontrollably handle us.
And if we’ve done it right, our relationships will have fertile soil to flourish in the aftermath.
AKA “prescribed burn.”
Fucking kids.
Who cares if it’s not your dad? And guess, what? It is your dad. Welcome to the family. You have the right to have these conversations. And having them will ultimately help everyone in the long run.
Not quite as predictable.