There's a pause between someone saying something we don't like [example pause] and our reaction. The length of that pause can make or break our ability to keep friends in our life.
I definitely use the pause when dealing with conflict, because honestly I can't respond immediately as my brain can't really respond appropriately in the moment and I'm never looking to hurt the other person because I can't express myself properly.
In terms of constructive criticism it's tough as in the US I don't feel many people are willing to give you their honest feedback whether its friends or employers/colleagues. To me it's a sign of a good friend who's willing to reach out to you that way, I am impressed.
I wish I could get constructive feedback, but also am scared of how I would actually handle it, given the "constructive feedback" from my fam has never gone over well with me.... then again not entirely sure if I can be objective if its actually constructive. Weirdly, I give myself what I consider constructive feedback which really mostly results in guilt, which then doesn't feel very constructive. Partly I feel I need to assess my values to better align on what constructive feedback is worth pursuing change for or prioritize what is worth my energy now. For example: I'd like to be a more present friend (see my friends more often). Something that's challenging with my work, but feels doable while I'm home if I rebalance my time and just plan a little. This is something I've been telling myself for several years now, hence the need to prioritize! Work in progress, moving forward.
One book that transformed how I think about feedback is "Thanks for the Feedback" by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, the same authors of the brilliant book "Difficult Conversations." While Thanks for the Feedback focuses on receiving feedback, it gave me a mirror to examine how I give it—and how often I miss the mark. I’ve realized that knowing when feedback is genuinely wanted... is an art. Sometimes, even when someone says, "please give me feedback," what they’re really saying is, "please give me validation." The ability to discern what’s being asked for—even when the person themselves might not know—is a skill that feels as essential as the feedback itself.
Really interesting reflections! I love what you have to say about using the pause in a conversation as an opportunity to truly sit with what another person is saying or trying to communicate. Sounds funny but we could all become more comfortable with awkwardness, lol
We should become more comfortable with awkwardness as well as more comfortable understanding that our initial reaction doesn't necessarily convey our truest response. It's just... our initial reaction.
I definitely use the pause when dealing with conflict, because honestly I can't respond immediately as my brain can't really respond appropriately in the moment and I'm never looking to hurt the other person because I can't express myself properly.
In terms of constructive criticism it's tough as in the US I don't feel many people are willing to give you their honest feedback whether its friends or employers/colleagues. To me it's a sign of a good friend who's willing to reach out to you that way, I am impressed.
I wish I could get constructive feedback, but also am scared of how I would actually handle it, given the "constructive feedback" from my fam has never gone over well with me.... then again not entirely sure if I can be objective if its actually constructive. Weirdly, I give myself what I consider constructive feedback which really mostly results in guilt, which then doesn't feel very constructive. Partly I feel I need to assess my values to better align on what constructive feedback is worth pursuing change for or prioritize what is worth my energy now. For example: I'd like to be a more present friend (see my friends more often). Something that's challenging with my work, but feels doable while I'm home if I rebalance my time and just plan a little. This is something I've been telling myself for several years now, hence the need to prioritize! Work in progress, moving forward.
Thank you as always for the food for thought!
One book that transformed how I think about feedback is "Thanks for the Feedback" by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, the same authors of the brilliant book "Difficult Conversations." While Thanks for the Feedback focuses on receiving feedback, it gave me a mirror to examine how I give it—and how often I miss the mark. I’ve realized that knowing when feedback is genuinely wanted... is an art. Sometimes, even when someone says, "please give me feedback," what they’re really saying is, "please give me validation." The ability to discern what’s being asked for—even when the person themselves might not know—is a skill that feels as essential as the feedback itself.
Really interesting reflections! I love what you have to say about using the pause in a conversation as an opportunity to truly sit with what another person is saying or trying to communicate. Sounds funny but we could all become more comfortable with awkwardness, lol
We should become more comfortable with awkwardness as well as more comfortable understanding that our initial reaction doesn't necessarily convey our truest response. It's just... our initial reaction.
Did this footnote ... bring me joy? Ah, damnit.
Got him.