100 things I wish I knew 10 years ago
Or, 100 things I learned in my 30s.
10 years ago I was working as a 2nd assistant editor on a Fast & Furious movie, several years into dating the person who I’d end up being in the longest relationship of my life with, and really focused on the quantity over the quality in my friendships.
Here are 100 things I wish I would have known back then.
You’re a wizard, Harry.You’re a writer, Jesse. Write every day. When you know you have to write every day, you tend to pay more attention to the world because, well, you gotta write about something.Read nonfiction books about topics you're interested in. You end up becoming an avid reader and will attribute much of your success and happiness to reading.
Have signature elements—a signature color, cologne, hairstyle, accessory, hobby, song, drink, catch phrase.
You will be frustrated at times that people aren't listening to how “your way” is better. And your way is better, but usually just better for you.
Friendships are seasonal. They’ll enter your life unexpectedly and often exit your life before you’re ready. Enjoy them while they’re there.
Every friend doesn’t have to (and can’t) be your best friend.
The cool people who you keep trying to text to hang out, but they can never seem to find the time? Let them go.
The cool people who keep trying to text you to hang out, but you can never seen to find the time? Invest in them.
Scrapbooking is the secret to life. Use Pinterest to collect imagery of everything that you are drawn to. Don’t organize it. One folder of "things I love" is perfect. Over time you'll see patterns and cultivate deep, refined taste for everything from furniture to clothing to haircuts.
Buy more clothes that "aren't you." You'd be surprised how quickly they can become you, as well as open you up to discovering a truly unique style.
Remember those $300 boots you thought were “too expensive” and “not you”? Well, you still own and love them today.
You can eat a lot of unhealthy food without gaining weight, but it doesn't necessarily mean you’re healthy. At the very least, just have a vegetable at every meal, including breakfast.
Get a yearly physical and don’t judge the results. Just make manageable changes to put you on healthier trajectories.
Go to therapy consistently. The point isn’t to have someone tell you the answers, the point is to excavate your values.
Write down your core values in a document and update them over time as they change. Not sure if you want to say "yes" to something? Check it against your values and see if it aligns.
Learn to meditate. The point isn't to sit there and calm your mind in that moment. The point is to sit there and calm your mind in that moment SO THAT you can bring that ability wherever you go—arguing with a partner, getting caught in the middle of a disagreement at work, sitting at the DMV for three hours.
React less. When something causes an emotional reaction, it’s usually less about that thing and more about a historical landmine being stepped on (usually accidentally). Training non-reactivity allows you to often bypass the initial landmine and have a reaction that is more aligned with who you are today.
Never date someone's potential.
Every experience is a seed planted that might turn into a little shrub of a memory—a “just okay” night out. Or it might grow into a redwood memory—one of the best nights of your life. You never know which nights will be which until years later, so just lean into all of them as though they're all redwoods.
The highest rated board games aren't always the ones you're going to love (see: Twilight Imperium). The games you love best are social deduction, cooperative, team-based, and party games.
Keep an ongoing list of your favorite board game mechanics and board game vibes. After you have about 100 of these things, design your own game.
You sunburn easily. Don’t let that stop you from going outside. Put on sunscreen and buy a big goofy hat and take a fucking hike, literally (also: buy a beach tent).
You’ll take four improv classes at Upright Citizens Brigade and they will change your life. You’ll be funnier, your sense of rhythm and timing will be sharper, and you’ll be a much better listener. Maybe consider taking more than just four classes.
You are the culture department at your freelance job. Organizing game nights, white elephant parties, and themed birthdays doesn’t have to be done by “the boss.” You have the power. Bring joy to the office even though you’re “just” a 2nd assistant editor.
That person you want to be? Just be them now.
You see yourself as a man immune from the trite milestones of life. You aren't. You will have a midlife crisis, you will feel left out as your friends get married and have kids, you will break a bone. And you’ll learn about yourself each time.
Remember to rest. You have a lot more energy than most people but that doesn't mean that you're un-drainable.
You have an issue doing things that don’t feel like they’re directly connected to personal growth. Not everything needs to serve this “lifelong student” identity. Sometimes doing fun for fun’s sake is essential.
Set aside at least one night a week to do something nourishing just for you, by yourself (see: Artist Date).
Ask yourself what you want your life to feel like. And then do the things that make you feel that way.
Experience moments fully. When they’re gone, let them go and trust that other great moments will come.
When you spend too much time thinking about the past, you live in regret. When you spend too much time thinking about the future, you live in anxiety. And when your present is a constant stream of overthinking, your past becomes a history of overthinking, which is then overthought—do you see where this is going (see: spiraling into a self-consuming black hole of constant existential crisis)?
A lot of anxiety comes from not believing that you can handle a potential, upcoming situation. “What if THIS happens or what if THAT happens?” Well, if it happens—and usually it doesn’t—trust me, you can handle literally anything.
Give yourself a lot more alone time and space than you think you need. It'll be in these solo moments when your most creative work will happen.
People who aren’t for you, aren’t for you. You will have some of these people in your extended circles and you do not have to invite them your events, even if you’re getting external pressure from mutual friends.
Find more opportunities to perform. Every time you do (regardless of what the performance is), you feel fulfilled.
As you get older, coordinating large group trips will become more complicated. Take that challenge on because these trips are a reliable a source of nourishment.
Don't always feel like you have to reinvent the wheel. Instead of prioritizing newness, prioritize finesse and refinement.
Start taking piano and singing lessons now. You end up doing it anyway, and if you start now, you'll be a lot better by the time you're here.
Don’t do anything if you’re expecting something in return. Only do things if you actually want to do them (go to a birthday party, drive a friend to the airport, watch your neighbor’s dog). That way, reciprocity is a bonus and if it doesn’t come, at least you got to do something you wanted to do anyway.
Never go to two things in one night. The movement creates an ultimately unfulfilling sense of excitement. Deeper experiences come from choosing one thing and being fully present.
That feeling when you’re somewhere and you wish you were somewhere else? That other place is often just as uninteresting.
When you’re in a conversation with someone you find boring, ask yourself: are they actually boring or am I just not listening/asking the right questions? It’s very often the latter.
Start directing again. Sketches, short films, trailers for your events, whatever.
It takes a more reps than we think to get moderately decent at something. You filmed one sketch with your improv group and stopped because you weren't happy with it. Your mistake was judging yourself after one sketch. Show me 100 filmed sketches and then let’s start judging.
Not every movie you work on will be “good.” As a film editor, the point is to take whatever you are given and make it the best it can be. If you do that consistently enough, you'll be recognized for it and put on better and better projects.
During your first job as an editorial production assistant, someone will put rocks on everyone's desk as a weird prank and never confess to it. Everyone will think it is you. That's okay. Lean into the mystery and say just enough to keep the identity of the true rock putter ambiguous. Mysteries are fun.
Go straight to the source when you have an issue with someone. Talking to anyone else about it is generally a waste of time. (also: read the book Difficult Conversations ASAP so you will be better equipped to handle such conversations).
You find sitting around a fire to be incredibly healing. Do this with friends as much as you can. Just know that when a fire pit is advertised as "smokeless" that's actually fucking full-on false advertising.
When you’re asked to move to New York City for two months for work, do it. These two months will unlock the second half of your life.
Learn to cook. It's healthier and eventually you'll be able to impress your friends with fancy dinner parties.
There's enormous social pressure to fix everything in the world. No one can do this. Instead, ask yourself—how can I live my own life such that if everyone lived this way, the world would be “fixed”?
You don’t need to wait for other people to do the things you love. Sometimes putting the “perfect group” together gets in the way of you actually doing things. Wanna go to a water park? Camping? Palm Springs? Go.
Have a budget for visiting friends outside of Los Angeles. Alternatively, split the cost of flying your friends into Los Angeles.
Fly your mom out to Los Angeles once a year. When you do, you have such a wonderful time. But you don't do it enough. Alternately, fly you and her both somewhere to vacation together, just you two. You’ll be glad you did.
Volunteer with kids. You may not necessarily want kids of your own, but there’s a healing energy when you're around them. Probably because you are more physically energetically aligned with kids' energy than that of adults. And also probably because when you’re done you don’t have to keep them.
Your partner doesn't have to do everything you do. In fact, there's a huge advantage to having your own interests and hobbies. A lack of interest on their part in the things you love is 0% correlated to their love for you.
I'm actually really proud of how you handled the time when you were single. You treated your dates with kindness and respect and was genuinely curious about their lives, even if it was only for a night. Living life this way injects more trust in the overall dating community.
Invite people who are younger and older than you to your events. There’s something beautiful about a diversity and range of ages at an event.
Don’t compartmentalize your friendships. Mix them together and watch as your friends hang out without you. This is a good thing.
No matter what Max says, renting the dance floor for the Halloween party is essential.
You tend to notice things that other people don't. Trust that your perspective and commentary is interesting and valuable to others.
Your hair is wavy. Find ways to embrace the natural world instead of fight against them.
While we’re on it, buzz your hair. You’re afraid to because you think your hair is your identity. Maybe. But no one actually thinks that but you. People only have a vague mental projection of you regardless of how you actually look. That projection is uncontrollable by them or you so just stop worrying about it.
Not saying that you have to be a drag queen, but I am saying that if you did, you'd probably be pretty good at it.
Whenever you're sick, cancel everything for the next week and stay home from work if you need to. Don't push through.
When you notice that your friends are good at something—like they have a knack or a gift for some specific thing that they may not fully realize—tell them. Better yet, help them produce whatever it is that they’re good at.
Don't feel like you have to do the thing just because that's the thing to do. Duvet covers are pretty, but the fucking insert moving around constantly may actually be too much for you.
Flour isn't enough for a cake—it's essential, but it takes many more ingredients like sugar, eggs, butter, etc. Love isn't enough for a relationship—it's essential, but it takes many more ingredients like trust, respect, intimacy, etc.
Study your heroes. What makes them successful? Imitate, remix, innovate.
You can pull back from a friendship without burning it to the ground.
Laura will never like playing The Resistance. That's okay. Your friends won’t like everything you do. Hang out with your friends in the context you and them simultaneously thrive in.
You will do a K-Mart style cheesy family photo shoot with your friends for your 29th birthday. It'll be one of your favorite memories. Follow your instinct and do this every year.
Everyone you encounter is the center of their own universe. People are dealing with a lot of horrific stuff that you'll never know about—alcoholism, abuse, tragedy, self-hate. You can’t fix this for them, but you can be a source of light by just existing.
Fixing doesn’t have to be your default mode. Sometimes all people want is someone to listen and physically be in front of them. "How can I best support you right now?" is a beautiful thing to hear from someone.
Embrace the 80/20 principle: what 20% of the party gave your guests 80% of their enjoyment? What 20% of your friends give you 80% of your fulfillment? Note the elements in your life that give you disproportionate benefits.
Remember when we pretended that we were ruining each other’s lives? That's just living (see: All of Us Strangers).
You'll leave the country for the first time in your life in 2019. You’ll see that the world is much more diverse than your Florida/California sampling led you to believe. Bring the rituals and energies that you enjoy back into your life here at home.
Do one dumbbell exercises every morning. Every morning. It’ll take you five minutes. Once you’re consistent, do two exercises, then three. If you can’t find five minutes every morning in your bedroom, you’ll never find one hour at the gym 3-5 times a week.
You are an athlete. Just because you didn’t play football with the cool kids in elementary school doesn’t mean anything anymore. Your work ethic, grit, and discipline likely outstrips most of those “cool kids” today.
Learn how to do makeup. It’ll save you money each Halloween and you will be able to just show up to the club with a fucking hot look when you feel like it.
Pierce your ears. It’s cool.
Ashley will invite you to a yoga class but it's a trick and it's a hot yoga sculpt and those words haven’t been invented together just yet but trust me don't do it it sucks.
Your Game Night events will become iconic and it's due in large part to the fact that you do it consistently and rarely cancel (see: reliability).
Soup Night will not become iconic. That's okay. They can't all be bangers. We all have b-sides. The point is that you won't find the things that work if you aren't willing to sit in the discomfort of failed attempts.
People will change plans. People will cancel plans. This is 0% correlated to their love for you. You think it’s correlated because of a past trigger from dad promising he'll "be there this time" and rarely following through.
And quite frankly, your dad’s changing and cancelling of plans was also 0% correlated for his love for you.
A calendar is just a place to write intentions. Intentions aren’t promises. Intentions can and should change fluidly as your needs change. Yes, I see what the calendar says. But close your eyes for a moment. What does your mind and/or body need right now?
A calendar is a time budget. Time block: instead of using a to-do list, write everything you want to do in your calendar and you’ll quickly see that you can’t do everything you want to do. This is a good thing. When you see how much money you really have, you start to spend it on the things that actually matter. When you see how much time you really have, you start to spend it on the things that actually matter.
Buy an espresso machine and learn how to use it. Take a barista class. If you do this in 2014 you’ll save about $7,500 in coffee purchases.
The skincare routine that matters is: lotion + sunscreen every morning and gentle face wash + retinol + lotion every night.
The more authentic you are, the quicker people who aren’t into you will walk away, leaving a huge opening in the crowd for better-matched people to find you.
Don't carry your phone on you all the time when you're home. Designate a specific place (not in your bedroom) for charging your phone and keep it plugged in (see: phone foyer method).
If you can't find a way to enjoy the process, you'll rarely enjoy life. The product will come but it will also go. The process is here to stay and will take up 99.9% of your time anyway.
The only wrong way to dance is to not.
Don't take feedback or advice from people you don't respect. Sometimes you have to sit there and listen to their advice, but you don't have to take it.
In order for a relationship to be genuine, respect has to go both ways. It doesn't matter who the other person is—your friend, your partner, your parents, your boss—if you aren't feeling mutual respect, then there's no real relationship. I’m fairly ruthless about not allowing these people into my life, even if they’re people I love.
Turns out you are a fairly special person and it's an honor to be in your presence. Remember this when people are taking advantage of you. Some of the best leverage we have in life is the boundary of restricting access to ourselves. Some people quite frankly don't deserve you.
You are a producer of people. Your purpose on this planet is to connect people.
Wauligi never joins Smash Brothers. I'm so sorry.
Wauligi hasn't joined smash bros YET. Keep the faith, king.